I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
