Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
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He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
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I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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