omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
