you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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