Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
