it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
