I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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