I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
