So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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