i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
