I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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