And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
