So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
