my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
