I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
