hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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