Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
