I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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