The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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