id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
