I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
