It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
