i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
