my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.