Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.