smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?