Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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