So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
