it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
