he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
