I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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