Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
