I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Randomize
