Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
