he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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