Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
