Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You pole danced in your parka.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
