i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
