I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
