i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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