Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
