he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
