Only a mothe r could love this liver
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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