I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
