his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
