woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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