That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
