Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
