I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i out mim tonsoeep
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