we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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