i was born a porn star she said
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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