You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
