You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
