So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
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Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
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I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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