Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
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