she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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