oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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