you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He felt like a one man threesome
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
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