Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
