Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
